Mama Mayhem

No tries this time but at least we’re trying, right?

By Riverine Herald

WE CAN’T get any worse.

That’s the motto of the Riv’s newly formed touch football team.

Of which I am a vital member. Not because I’m good. Because I have played before.

Unfortunately that wasn’t enough to get us over the line.

Yes, our first two defeats — or rather annihilations — were a little soul-crushing but the good thing is, we can only get better.

Plus, no matter how badly we play, we’re still getting fit. So it’s a lose-win situation.

You see, I can’t let my fitness slip, especially after enduring 12 weeks of torture, I mean training for the Sweat versus Steam.

Because it doesn’t take long to fall behind again.

I had a few days rest after the 5km race the other weekend and when I attempted to run just half that distance, my body declared ‘Yeah, nah...’

It’s all about consistency, so hopefully touch footy will help with that while helping me achieve that banging bikini body in time for Christmas.

In our first game, we scored two tries.

Thankfully they were scored by a woman and a 10-year-old, meaning double points!! So the final score didn’t look too bad.

Despite looking slightly less ‘we have no clue what we’re doing’ in our second clash, we never even reached that elusive try line.

But it’s challenging when half your team is learning the rules as they go along.

Basically, touch football is like rugby league, except tackles are replaced with touches. Creepy I know.

Teams must move the ball down the field toward their ‘try zone’, without passing the ball forward, dropping the ball or kicking it. Especially hard for AFL fans to comprehend.

Each team has six touches before they need to handover the ball to their opponents. That seems like enough to cover 35m right? Wrong.

When touched, an attacker must stop and roll the ball, assuming the dummy half will be behind them to collect it and pass it on. I was always taught to ‘never assume’. This certainly rings true for new players, as they incredulously wonder ‘what the hell just happened?’ when the ball gets snatched up by an opposing player who goes on to score a try.

Defenders are also required to be back a minimum of 5m when an attacker rolls the ball or risk being called ‘offside’ by the referee. A word that rings through my ears at least 10 times every game.

Fortunately, we have an experienced, knowledgeable and very patient team captain.

So if we continue to listen to her and do what she tells us, we should be able to have a win in perhaps week 18.