The boring reality of coronavirus-enforced isolation is beginning to hit home — there’s just nothing to do.
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I’m on that working from home grind, but once that clock hits specifically 5 pm, I’m truly not sure what we’re meant to be doing — and more to the point, I need a sporting fix.
We’ve got no AFL to sink our teeth into — and football panel shows with no games to analyse can only bring you so much satisfaction — as well as no Premier League, Champions League or NBA, and that list goes on.
But while we can’t leave our houses, I’m starting to think there are plenty of ways to get a sporting hit despite being contained to our own premises — and I’ve compiled a small list of isolation sporting activities to get you through the next God knows how long.
Backyard cricket
Winter is about to set in and we might have a few wash-outs, but get the lawn mower out, heavy roll the pitch and we’ve got hours of fun. This is great for all ages and levels of seriousness; backyard cricket is obviously the best way for youngsters to learn the craft, but this is not a game that can’t be treated as if it were The Ashes, evidenced by the famous @vermont_byc Twitter account. Get your own house rules sorted and play for hours on a Saturday arvo.
Beer pong
Off the top, there’s a World Series of Beer Pong, so it’s definitely a sport. All you need is a ping pong ball, a selection of cups, a liquid of some sort and a table, and then you’re laughing. If, like me, you live in a sharehouse with just one other person, you might need to play a best-of-101 series (not in the one night) to keep things interesting, but this is a great way to pass the time and get a bit silly on your weekend.
Betting
Really can’t explain to you how horse, harness and greyhound racing has not been canned yet, but it is certainly filling a hole for many out there in this time of need. My good friend Tony Brassel (hey Brass if you’re reading) just crunches out tips and you could do worse than just backing the great man in all day (responsibly). But while most sport has been cancelled, not all of it has. The Belarusian Premier League is still going, you’ve got table tennis’ Moscow Liga Pro on currently, and there’s no greater thrill than furiously refreshing the Bureau of Meteorology website to see if you’ve hit your 2 pm over/under. But again, please do this responsibly, as at the end of the day I just don’t believe you know enough about Nicaraguan soccer to be betting big stacks on it.
Cricket pre-season
There’s this old cricket bloke called Donald Bradman, and he honed his craft by hitting a golf ball against a water tank with a cricket stump. Much like “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball”, if you can make precise contact with something as small as a golf ball with a stump, how easy is it going to be when you’re using a girthy piece of willow to smack the leather around? Also, get a mate to just smash sharp chances at you, get those reflexes going for the slips cordon. Realistically, by the time this whole thing is over, it’s going to be cricket season, so pre-season starts now.
Documentaries
Educate yourself people. It took me a long time to figure out there actually was sport before 2001, about the year when I started to care about various athletic pursuits. Some personal recommendations; you obviously can’t go past ESPN’s 30 For 30 selection, where my favourites are Without Bias (about a Boston Celtics number-one draft pick that overdosed and died two days after the draft), The U (Miami’s high-octane college football team of the 1980s) and Once Brothers (an examination of the Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s via Serbian and Croatian NBA players. Also watch all five parts of OJ: Made In America, a brilliant, Academy Award-winning telling of OJ Simpson’s unbelievable story. And some quick-hitters you can Google yourselves; Senna, Icarus, Hoop Dreams, When We Were Kings and Last Chance U.
FIFA/NBA 2K/AFL Evolution
Say less. Everyone knows what I’m talking about here. You’ve got options obviously — career mode, Ultimate Team, challenging your mates one-on-one etc, but whatever you choose, this is one of the easiest ways in the world to kill a few hours, if not more. Personally, I am known around these parts as one of the world’s worst FIFA players, and I guarantee you by the end of iso no-one will be saying that about me anymore. Also, I believe AFL Evolution Two dropped last week, so surely this is the time to get into that.
Football Manager
I would like to start this with an apology; last year I ranked by top video games and had Football Manager at number two. That was just totally inaccurate, as upon reflection it is clearly the best and most absorbing game ever made. As we’ve discussed before, I am a Champions League-winning manager with Gateshead after taking it up from the sixth-tier of English football, and I am now managing Newmarket Town, who I’ve taken from division nine to division two. Seriously, if you’re in any way interested in football, just buy this game and give it a spin. I reckon you’ll find yourself immersed in the incredible detail and addicted in no time.
Golf in hallway/backyard
My ability to hit the ball off the tee might suffer in the near future, but there’s no reason our short-games have to. First of all, set up some form of target at one end of your hallway and putt from the other, which can only help your ability to strike the pill cleanly when back on actual greens. If you’ve got a bit of room in your backyard, put a bucket down and just chip balls into it for fun. No room outside or it’s raining? Do this inside. Probably a touch dangerous in terms of breaking windows and other objects, but how else are you meant to feel alive in these iso times?
Old movies/matches
Excellent time to delve into the archives and watch a sporting match you haven’t seen in a number of years, or to rewatch an old movie. Coincidentally, I’ve actually developed a spin-off column entitled Instant Replay where I am analysing this content, so on the movie front, I’ve watched Goal!, Crackerjack, Happy Gilmore and Caddyshack in the past couple of weeks — all absolute zingers. The recommendations have been coming thick and fast on the match front — some I haven’t even seen before — so I’ll keep the content coming and we can continue to relive the former glory of sport.
Run I guess?
I mean, you probably should do some sort of exercise to get out of the house once in a while, so going for a light jog every so often seems the right approach. If you’re taking it seriously, find a course that suits you, otherwise just get in the zone, throw some heat on Spotify and enjoy yourself.
Senior journalist