Mama Mayhem

It all comes down to the bottom line ...

By Ivy Jensen

IF YOU think you’ve had a shitty week, you have no idea.

Try having a colonoscopy.

For those lucky enough to go through this undignified experience, you will know what I’m talking about.

For those who haven’t, be thankful and pray you never suffer from bowel issues.

Now you might think the procedure is bad enough – essentially a doctor sticks a camera up your butt to have a look in your large and small bowels.

But trust me, that’s a walk in the park compared to what comes first.

For this procedure to be successful, the doc needs to be able to see what’s going on inside and that’s a bit difficult if it’s clogged up with food and waste if you know what I mean.

Which means you need a deep clean or flush out.

Think you can just pop a few laxatives and wait it out? Think again.

We’re talking a 24-hour fast, two doses of powdered laxative dissolved in a glass of warm water (that’s if you can keep it down, urgh) as well as a one-litre bowel cleansing liquid that tastes like an out-of-date diet orange Gatorade.

And you have to drink one glass of that every 15 minutes until it’s gone.

Now I’ve tasted some sickly concoctions in my life (I once skulled curdled milk mixed with beer during a university Iron Woman competition - which I won), but this ghastly glug is absolutely horrendous.

And you can’t even mask the taste with a bowl of ice-cream or lolly, because, remember, you’re not allowed to eat anything!

The only things you can have is water, clear juice and broth, tea, coffee (with no milk) and jelly.

So, I had jelly for morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and dessert.

I now hate jelly.

After finally getting through the nauseating mixtures, I made myself comfortable on the couch for a bit of Netflix and chill time.

This is a big no, no.

That is if your couch is more than 1m away from your toilet.

My advice would be to set-up camp outside your loo or even on it, because when the purge starts, it does not give you any warning.

Also, make sure your lavatory is in good working order because you the last thing you want is to end up in the precarious position Harry Dunn found himself in Dumb and Dumber.

Oh and invest in some soft and thick toilet paper unless you want your bottom to look like a baboon's behind.

Expect to stay in there for at least the next few hours, so I would recommend having a book or iPad with you to keep you entertained.

Just don’t drop them. Cause you won’t be diving in to get them out, I can promise you.

After a sleepless night, ravenous from a whole day without food, I was actually looking forward to being knocked out.

Because at least it would stop the thoughts about food and flashbacks from the night before.

By the time I made it to hospital and was told my procedure would be delayed because of new COVID-19 processes, a patient in front of me and then a last-minute emergency caesarean, I was gnawing at my arm I was so hungry.

After the longest two hours of my life, I happily drifted off into a magical slumber, not feeling the slightest bit sorry for the surgeon who was left with what I can only describe as one of the crappiest jobs in the world.

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