● Where does a sheep go for a haircut? The Baa Baa barber.
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● Did you know that “Dammit I’m mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m mad”?.
● Son: “So how come there aren’t any circuses around now?” Dad: “All the clowns got into politics.”
● Snow White is now down to six dwarfs. Sneezy has been placed in quarantine.
● I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him: “Are you the friar?” He replied: “No, I’m the chip monk.”
● Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.
● I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.
● I’m terrified of elevators and I’m taking steps to avoid them.
● What do you call a Woolworths that’s just burnt down. Coles.
● You're Australian when you go into the bathroom, and you're Australian when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
● People are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
● My boss came to me at lunch: "Where have you been? I’ve been trying to find you all morning!" I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find.”
● How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
● What did the traffic light say to the man in the car? Don’t look, I’m changing.
● Teacher: Give me a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail. Student: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat goes before detail.
● A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
● Did you know? Zebras have stripes to keep them from being spotted.
● What did the Dad biscuit say to the Mum biscuit? It's Savoy!
● Did you know that you can play two other games of UNO? INO and WENO
● What’s the difference between a pun and a dad joke? A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even farther.
● What's worse than finding a grub in an apple? Finding half a grub in an apple with a bite out of it.
● What are the best jokes to tell during quarantine? Inside jokes.
● How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokémon.
● Two old blokes are walking along and first bloke says: "Careful, that looks like dog poo on the footpath." The second bloke kneels down, smells it, then says: "Smells like dog poo." The first bloke kneels down and touches it and says: "Feels like dog poo." The second bloke leans over and gives it a lick and says: "Tastes like dog poo." The first bloke says: "It must be dog poo then, lucky we didn't step in it!”
● A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but cling wrap for shorts. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
● Rang the suppository hotline recently. Gee they were rude.
● With everyone making masks at the moment, fabric stores are reporting that elastic supplies are stretched...
● Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine”.
● An Irishman, an American and a Australian walk into a bar and the barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”
● I was having an argument with my sister. I said “ I could make a bike out of spaghetti,” she said there was no way. Should have seen her face when I rode pasta.
● What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
● What do you call a guy that goes into a bar? A Fungi.
● Founder of Dulux froze to death in the Alps. Rescuers said he would have survived with another coat.
● My dad went for a job interview. Employer: The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000. My dad: Okay, I’ll start later then.
● Dad: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Mum: Oh my! Who? Dad: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something? Mum: WITHERSPOON? Dad: No, it was with a knife.
● Knock knock. Who's there? Medam. Medam who? Me dam foot got stuck in the door.
● An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!”
● Boy, 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married. Dad: Wonderful, do you have a girl in mind? Boy: Yes, grandma. She said she loves me, I love her too. And she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there. Boy: What problem? Dad: She happens to be my mother, how can you marry my mother? Boy: Why not? You married mine.
● Little-known fact: Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
● A scarecrow won the Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field.
● A man bought a rear-view mirror and hasn't looked back since.
● Why did the beans move to Queensland? Because they wanted to live in Cairns.
● An American, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, a Belgian, a Burmese, a Chinese, a Canadian, a Dutchman, a Dane, an Englishman, an Estonian, a Frenchman, a Fin, a German, a Greek, a Haitian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Laplander, a Lao, a Mexican, a Maltese, a Nepalese, a Pole, a Quebecois, a Russian, a Swede, a Turk, a Tibetan, an Uruguayan, a Venetian and a Welshman all walk into a posh bar. The doorman says sorry, we have standards. You can’t come in without a Thai.
● What should you do if you see a fireman? You should put it out, man.
● Got to the border crossing. Police said ‘paper?’ I said ‘scissors, I win’ so I drove off.
● We drove past a house with two sold stickers over the two ‘for sale’ signs. Dad said: “Well, the first person who bought it will be annoyed.”
● I was in at work today when a courier delivered a giant hose. I took it down to the workshop and called out: ‘‘Who ordered a Roy Orbison? Because the Big O’s just been delivered.’’
● Did you hear about the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
● The hottest part of the room is in the corners, because they’re 90 degrees.
● What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pool? Bob.
● What do you call a lady with one leg? Eileen.
● What do you call a man standing at your front door? Matt.
● What do you call a lady standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
● Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
● When I moved out of the family home I told my dad: ‘‘Righto, you’re the man of the house now.’’
● What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey.
● Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
● What does one nut say to the other nut when it is chasing them? I’m a cashew.
● Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
● They said a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.
● Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
● What animal did not go on to the ark in pairs? Worms, they went on in apples.
● Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
● Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
● What’s the difference between a dad joke and an egg? You can’t beat a good dad joke.
● I became a dad in January, and I’m dealing with my daddy issues because it’s no joking matter.
● What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forest1
● What do you call a careful wolf? Aware Wolf.
● People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
● My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick and I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She’s still not talking to me.
● A cheese factory just exploded in France. De Brie everywhere.
● I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She seemed surprised.
● I found out today I am colour blind. Came completely out of the purple.
● A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks “what’s with the long face?”
● What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck.
● “I’ll call you later.” Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
● Knock-knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange ya glad I didn’t say banana!
● You know Australian crocs can grow up to 10 feet? But the ones I’ve seen only have four.
● My wife left me because of my obsession with bread. So sad, we’d been through thick and thin together.
● Went to camouflage class graduation last week. Didn’t see anyone I knew.
● A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed yesterday, losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless and perplexed.
● A stranger approaches a widow at her husband’s funeral and asks: “Could I say a word?” The widow says yes. He says “plethora”. She says: “Thank you, that means a lot”.
● How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t, you get down off a duck.
● The police arrested two kids yesterday — one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
● The boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
● What’s the difference between broccoli and snot? Kids don’t like to eat broccoli.
● Who can drink a litre of petrol? Jerry can.
● What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.